Jokes, Quotes, and Everything Funny


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Daily dose of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a

24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

31. The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

32. Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

33. Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

34. Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

35. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

36. If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

37. Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

38. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

39. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Submitted by Ashley Peel and Les B. Friends, and posted at